genre: angst/drama, romance, character study?
word count: ~900 approx.
summary: it's not men, it's just him.
warning: all in lapslock, like seriously. i wasn't really up to caps idk. there might be run on sentences..., and it's been a while since I've last written fic seriously.
a/n: hey long time no see, hope you guys like this. it's been an idea that's been brewing in my head for quite some time so I hope I did this idea at least some justice. also title comes from the song "Howl" by Florence and the Machines. Also, title is completely unrelated to the fic, just a heads up.
in the back of his mind there's still this niggling sense of shame - of back when he was in high school and he was this overweight kid who only had rapping to go by. And it's ridiculous because he KNOWS he is hot shit, a lot of his fans can attest to that, but he still feels self conscious about his looks and it’s just a little bit ridiculous.
and he doesnt really know why he's suddenly thinking about it NOW of all times, really, because he's pretty sure it's unrelated to the situation at hand and he's getting just a bit fidgety waiting for jiyong's response. he feels like he's a teenager again - waiting with bated breath and sweaty palms and a racing heart for the girl he likes to say "yes" already or something. and it’s just a bit nerve wracking if hes being honest because he's still not used to this - no matter how much he's come to terms with his feelings and it still feels strange to feel like this in a society which is largely homophobic.
and the weird thing about it all is that he's not so sure he's ready for a relationship with jiyong - or ready to come out of the closet or whatever to the public or anything really. he's not so sure he can handle the possible social backlash for something of this magnitude, but he thinks that just maybe, so long as jiyong is with him by his side he can get through it. he can maybe be a bit braver and a bit stronger because really who gives a shit what everyone else thinks. he's young, because really he’s only maybe 24 and he’s still got the rest of his life, and he's in love and maybe thats all he needs, really. his love for music and his infatuation with the limelight of the stage, and most of all - his love for jiyong.
he's getting just a bit carried away with himself now though so he pauses, draws a small and somewhat shaky breath through his stuttering lungs and slowly releases it through his nose. he can feel his nervous tick kicking in - the tell of his fingers itching to do something. he glances at jiyong's expression and can see the surprise and shock ingrained into his features.
it makes him feel just a bit sad and a bit hopeful. here's to wishing the best, he thought.
"um, ji?" a slight furrow of the brows as he tries not to show his nervousness.
jiyong’s expressing morphs into that of guilt, as he opens his mouth frowned in an apology as his tongue licks his lips softly in a nervous gesture. self-conscious.
and that’s when it hits seunghyun, hard, right in the middle of his chest. he knows what jiyong was going to say before he could even form the first semblance of a word. rejection- it was strange that he’s the one being rejected again, even after all this time, even though he's known him for all these years. he should’ve expected this from the situation, from the fact that this group, no matter how questionable their sexuality can tend to be in public (for the fans of course), are first and foremost straight in the most open way they can possibly be. And that’s alright, he’s okay with it because honestly he’s thought of himself as heterosexual up to this point in his life where he’s going through a much belated questioning of his sexuality. and he knows he didn't really expect much from this situation, but he did have a small amount of hope that maybe something would occur out of this.
and so he opens his mouth and says quietly “no, its okay, I get it. You don’t feel the same way… that’s fine, really. I just wanted to tell you. I expected nothing of this situation really.” seunghyun shrugs in a would be nonchalant manner and shuffles a bit awkwardly and jiyong closes his mouth as he emits a small noise before he stops himself and nods softly, apologizing once softly as he puts a soft hand on seunghyun’s arm before he walks off and doesn’t look back once.
seunghyun simpily shuffles away as he stares at his feet, putting his hands in his pockets and he doesn't cry about it, not really, because it's not really something to warrant depressed as fuck attitudes over and yeah, it hurts as fuck, but he'll get over it and he'll move on with his life eventually. because that's one thing about life that everyone will learn at some point: it goes on. and as he sits in his bed, in his room at night, he kind of wants to laugh at the ridiculousness that is this situation because it when it came between them jiyong was always the far more eccentric one of the duo.
and it does. a few days pass, and it's hard at first, but days turn into weeks that turn into months. they're swamped with busy schedules that left little room for rest or much else thought on the matter past the first couple of days. things they need to do for big bang, together as a group solo or otherwise, interviews and photo shoots and filmings. he maybe doesn't really ever stop his strong longing for jiyong, and sure things are a bit awkward at first, but he learns to live with it and look past that minor setback and he just goes on with life.
a/n: so i will probably write a proper prequel to this to kind of give more context to the situation at hand... but first, your thoughts on it? liked it? didn't like it? what do you guys think would've been better? some concrit would be amazing, since this is way out of my comfort zone. thanks a lot you guys~ hope you enjoyed it! :)